Agoraphobia
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It took about 5 different therapists to accurately diagnose the specific type of anxiety disorder I have but that’s beside the point (but also not entirely irrelevant as I do think it’s important to remember that not all therapists are created equal. You know what’s going on inside of you better than anyone else so if the information being provided to you doesn’t feel right..it’s ok to go back to the drawing board and find someone new.)
Moving along- the first time my therapist said the word ‘agoraphobia’ it took everything in me not to have a meltdown. It sounded like a very scary/made up word that .001% of the population was diagnosed with - I remember nodding my head throughout the remainder of our session, pretending I was listening, when in reality my mind was spiraling and I was counting down the seconds until I could get out of there. As soon as I got home, I ran to my computer and googled it. The definition that came up blew my mind.
Agoraphobia: “an anxiety disorder characterized by symptoms of anxiety in situations where the person perceives their environment to be unsafe with no easy way to escape'“
“These situations can include open spaces, public transit, shopping centers, or simply being outside their home. Being in these situations may result in a panic attack.”
“Those affected will go to great lengths to avoid these situations.[1] In severe cases people may become completely unable to leave their homes.”
Oh. My. GOD. To say I spent the next few days researching everything I could find on the topic would be an understatement. I was screen shotting everything and sending it to any and everyone who would listen out of relief and excitement that I was not crazy and I had the proof to back it up. *For those who have ended up here and do not suffer from anxiety, I can compare the feeling to receiving confirmation (or finding the evidence yourself-you go girl) that your significant other was cheating on you- your gut was likely telling you something was up but you weren’t fully convinced until you knew it for sure. If you haven’t been cheated on either, good for you, your life sounds amazing- I have no additional examples at this time.
For the first time in my life, I felt a sense of validation and comfort in knowing that what I had been experiencing for so long was a REAL thing that LOTS of people suffer from. Every single time a therapist/friend/parent/whatever would ask me what about a situation was causing me to “stress out” (-_-), I would repeatedly say “I just feel like I can’t get out of here if I need to.” I can understand as someone on the outside looking in how confusing this would sound - of COURSE they are going to respond by saying things like “but…there’s an exit right over there?” or “why would you need to leave in the first place?”. I get it. I really do. The problem is- they don’t get it. Before I even have the chance to decide how I want to feel when I enter into situations that give me anxiety (malls/concerts/nail salons/dinners/AIRPLANES), it’s like my body takes over. My adrenaline spikes, my vision gets blurry, I get super nauseous and I can’t focus on anything except escaping. Until I get to my ‘safe space’ aka my home or car or away from everyone, my body operates in full on flight mode, feeling like I’m in a true life or death situation I need to get out of.
I spent so many years beating myself up about not being able to relax or enjoy the things everyone else did. I thought I was being dramatic and even convinced myself at one point that these activities just weren’t for me- not my style. I’m an introvert, I like to stay at home. There’s nothing wrong with that etc. etc. But I knew deep down I was lying to myself and that there was something bigger going on. Identifying the correct disorder was a game changer for me and something that took a lot of patience and perseverance. Although I still had (and have) a long road ahead of unlearning all of my safety behaviors (I do so many weird things) /thought patterns (I think so many weird things)/defense mechanisms (I don’t even want to elborate on this one), I am grateful to myself for not throwing in the towel and accepting that it was all in my head and forever out of my control.
To wrap this one up, I just want to drive home (I’ve never said that before) how important it is to do your research and to continue to seek out the support you need. Anxiety can be so isolating-but what you are going through so many others can relate to and if you put in the work, the quality of your life really can get better.
