My Journey with Sertraline (and a few other updates)

A lot has changed since the last time I logged on. You know when you keep playing phone tag with that one friend that likes to talk a lot? And the more time that passes, the more you dread answering because you know the call is going to last 14 hours and so much has happened since you last spoke that you don’t even know where to start? That’s how I felt every time I thought about starting this post.

2+ years is a long time in general - but the last 2 years have been especially eventful for me. Here’s a bullet point recap because it’s all I can manage at the moment:

• Covid happened. My anxiety skyrocketed. Shocker!

• I finally decided to try out medication - sertraline at 50mg

• I got my life back

The point of this particular post is to highlight my experience with sertraline as it has been life changing for me in more ways than I can count. Before I made the decision to take it, I spent a ton of time researching online hoping to find blogs or articles about what to expect(ish) and was disappointed at the lack of first hand takes. All I could find were a bunch of scientific articles and a few reddit threads. It was at this point that I made a mental note to recount my experience after enough time had passed and share it with the world in the event there was anyone else like me out there looking for some support. And alas, here we are. Moving along..

To start, Covid was rough. Not necessarily because of Covid itself, but because quarantining for long periods of time made it even harder for me to build up the courage to leave the house. My anxiety was at an all time high when we moved to Florida and I was still in the midst of exposure therapy which was going relatively well all things considered. I had my routine down, I was leaving the house and attending my weekly virtual therapy sessions and doing all of the things. Then we were all of a sudden hit with a global pandemic (wow k) and forced to stay inside. At first, I felt a strange sense of relief. Like I was off the hook and finally had a real excuse to stay home and hide out from the world. It was the first time I ever felt like the outside reality matched my inside reality - I was comfortable. The transition was easy, this is what I was used to. I almost….enjoyed it. However, I didn’t realize how many steps I was taking backwards until the lockdowns lifted and we were able to start mingling again. When the rest of the world was celebrating and going balls to the wall, I was in a full blown state of continuous panic. At this point, I couldn’t even leave the bedroom. It was THAT bad. Everything felt threatening and difficult to me. The thought of just seeing another person and leaving my safety net was enough to induce a panic attack and have me spiraling. I think I was gagging about 30 times a day - and all of this was brought on by thought ALONE.

It was at that point that I decided to reach out to a psychiatrist online and explore my options. I went into the session with the intent of being as transparent as possible about my symptoms and resistance to take any type of medication. Up until that point, aside from a brief stint in my younger years, I have always gone the holistic route. I’ve been anti-medication as I was worried it would be more of a bandaid and prolong my suffering. Whether or not that ends up being the case is still TBD but that’s a story for another day.

When I hopped on the video chat, the psychiatrist listened intently and recommended I start with Sertraline - an SSRI/anti-depressant that had high success rates treating panic disorders and agoraphobia. I was unfamiliar with the different types of medications but was told this was not an addictive drug and that I would experience minimal side effects so I decided to give it a go. I was already at rock bottom - how much worse could it get?

This is where I REALLY wish I would have been able to find some info online regarding what the onboarding (lol) process was going to look like. I was entirely unprepared for how sick it made me. For days, I was unable to do much of anything. It felt like a really bad flu - super weak, dizzy, nauseous. I cried every time I went to take the next dose but somehow managed to push through. Looking back, I feel this was one of the greatest acts of self love I have ever shown myself. I wanted to quit. I was uncomfortable, discouraged, isolated and really REALLY scared. But I continued to push forward and with time, the negative side effects slowly started to dissipate and I felt like myself again.

The transformation was slow. At first, I didn’t think it was working. I was annoyed - I felt like I suffered for nothing. But then, small shifts started happening. I was able to stand in line at the grocery store without looking for the exit. I was able to get my haircut without warning the stylist I may need to leave half way through. I was able to meet up with new friends for coffee dates and not have to go to the bathroom to collect myself. It was the craziest experience - my mind still had the thoughts in the beginning. I was still worried about xyz happening but my body was relaxed. Over time, my mind stopped having the thoughts because my body continued to prove everything was fine (or vice versa - still unsure how this loop works) but regardless, it was LIFECHANGING.

I know this is a long one but I’m telling you guys- I have spent my entire life with a cloud of anxiety following me everywhere. I have memories of being in elementary school - begging the teacher to let me have the seat closest to the door. Going out to eat with my family (which I HATED, btw) and demanding I sit on the outside of the booth so I could escape with ease. This has always been my story. I truly never knew what it was like to just be present - enjoying whatever was happening in the moment instead of worrying/planning/stressing. It actually makes me really, really sad to think about how long I suffered… all the experiences I’ve missed out on. Both physically when I decided to stay home or when my body was technically present but I was checked out mentally. This is the ONLY reason I write about this - I do not want this to be anyone else’s story because it truly doesn’t have to be.

You have options. There is help out there. You do not have to go through this alone. Whether you choose to try out medication or stick to the holistic route doesn’t matter - you just need to find what works for YOU. Be open to all kinds of help and take it one step at a time. Be willing to take a risk and try out something that you may have been avoiding out of fear. We have such limited time as it is - don’t waste it hiding in your bedroom or feeling like shit all the time. Today is a new day. You can do it! You’re not alone. I’ve been there and some days I’m still there but I promise you it gets better.

Until next time.