I Dropped the Ball

It’s been a few months since I last checked in and the reason for it has me feeling guilty. I started this account years ago back when my anxiety ran my life. Every single decision I made and thought I had was fueled by my anxiety and doing whatever I could to avoid it getting worse.

I spent my days researching remedies and ways to make it better and I spent my nights venting about my experiences here on this blog. I was certain that anxiety was something I was going to have to learn to live with and work around and had given up hope that things would ever get better and that I’d ever feel ‘normal’.

The truth is, that’s exactly what’s happened. After decades of living with debilitating anxiety, it no longer takes up any real estate in my brain. My days go by without a single thought or physical sensation related to anxiety. I am able to go about my life on my terms without worrying about if/when it will resurface. And to be fully transparent, it rarely ever does.

Because of this, my activity and engagement here on this site has come to a near halt. There are times when I feel I can no longer related to the version of myself. I no longer spend my time researching new supplements or resources because it’s no longer an issue for me. Period. It feels like another lifetime, and one that at times I would like to forget about all together if I’m being honest.

It wasnt until I was scrolling on TikTok that I came across a video of a girl talking about her journey with emetophobia. The video had hundreds of comments filled with others who were expressing that they, too, were dealing with the same issue. I spent over an hour reading through every single persons response and I SOBBED. It absolutely crushed my soul to see how many people are still out there struggling and in disbelief that life can get any better. Every single person was talking about all of the life and experiences they had already missed out on (or were planning to miss out on) out of fear of triggering their anxiety.

I’m talking forgoing motherhood out of fear of morning sickness, skipping out on a best friends wedding out of fear of getting on a plane, living in physical pain out of fear of going to the dentist. The list goes on and on. And all of my own memories came flooding back. I remember when that was me. And all of the life that I missed out on (physically or via disassociating to get ‘through’ it) and how lonely and depressed I was. That part of my life that I had blocked out, came to the forefront of my mind and has lived there ever since. Reminding me of the importance of continuing to show up regardless of my progress.

It truly reignited something inside of me to continue doing whatever I can to help others get to the other side. I don’t care if this blog only reaches one person. I don’t care if the time and effort I spend contributing to this blog brings me zero ROI (and at the time of this post, it does have zero ROI, for those wondering). All I care about is that others who are struggling to the extent I was not that long ago understand that it IS possible to heal from this. You don’t just have to learn to live with it or manage it, you can absolutely HEAL from it. Everyones journey will be unique and I’m not here to claim I have all of the answers but I am here to plant the seed and be a source of support and inspiration for others who are stuck in the trenches.

Please don’t give up. If anyone out there ever comes across this, please feel free to comment on this post or contact me directly with any questions or ways I can continue to support you. You are not alone. I promise it can and will get better. 🌱